the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
