You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
