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Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
