Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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