I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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