life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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