Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
