Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
