I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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