At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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