My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
