I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Don't make out with my wife yet
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
