The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
