seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
