Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
