Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
