My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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