GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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