I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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