My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
