I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
