He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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