Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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