I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
