i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
