i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
