i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
