can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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