god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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