I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
