I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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