My sheets look like a crime scene.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
