We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
