I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
