Someone shit on the floor
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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