an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You are a genius and a whore.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
