I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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