I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
