my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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