i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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