I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
