and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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