i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
