I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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