mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
