There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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