??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
