I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
