Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
