Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
