you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
