If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do you remember whose house we're in?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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