i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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