I puked a lego.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
did i just pee glitter
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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