Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
