Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
